Longings

The last couple of days I slowly got out from underneath the numbness blanket that covered me since B. is gone. There hasn't been a moment that I didn't think about how to go from here. Now virtually nothing stands in my way to move abroad -I would have had to leave B. behind- and at the same time I'm starting to feel more at home where I live now.

I've been questioning my longing to move to Finland. This has nothing to do with doubt, but more with my hearts desire. I want to write fulltime and I know what I need to do in order to make that dream come true. Moving to a country where I would have to learn a new language first, struggle to get a job and then settle down -or at least that is how it feels to me- straight away, doesn't feel right at this moment. I'm thinking I should spend some time in Britain. To improve my english, to experience a new culture, to live a different life than I know how to now. I want to plunge myself into a new adventure. Not extend an old one...But all those questions, wonderings and longings makes me scared of where i am now.

I want to crawl underneath a mountain of blankets and surround myself with warmth, I crave soothing words and I long to come home.