Sunday Scribblings :: Puzzled

This week's prompt describes my current state of mind: puzzled.

Yesterday started with joy and excitement and ended with sadness and anger. Starting the day with a feeling of security and knowing where I am going in life, it ended with confusion and questioning everything. Something (a.k.a.  a story that is long and that I don’t feel like sharing here) triggered me into panic mode: about money and bills and got me thinking that I should get more paid writing jobs or better yet a second job, regardless of what I mentioned in the post below.

This whole situation left me puzzled. I knew where the sadness and anger came from, but couldn’t figure out why it made me feel the way it did. This morning, after a surprisingly good night of sleep, I realized that I don’t feel safe.

I feel restless and scared of this big world. I don’t feel at home in this house, I don’t feel safe in it either. I feel I have no backup in so many ways.

Two months after my sixteenth birthday I left home. I left the country I grew up in, my family and friends, to start a new life in a country I had never visited before with a family I had never met. I wasn’t scared, I was ready to go and couldn’t wait to get on that plane.I didn’t shed a tear.

After this one year adventure I basically lived on my own. I have been out of my parents home for more then six years. I know what I need to take care of myself in all aspects of life. I have a wonderful, be it part-time, job. I study to become what I have dreamt about for so long (social pedagogy worker). I think I have my ‘writing thing’ going, although sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. I have a roof above my head. I have food in the fridge. I am six years older,  but feel less secure. Thinking that if I could face a challenge like I did when I was sixteen, why does this 'challenge of life' scare me?

Because after all these years and with all the ‘security’ I have now:  a home and a job and the path of life I am walking on, I feel scared and lonely and I feel that I don’t know what to do…even though I am not sure if there is anything I need to do.

Talk about being puzzled…

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