Not ready yet

I’ve heard the phrase ‘nothing will change’ more than I care for in recent weeks. And even though I know what people mean to say with it, it is of course complete and utter bullshit. Everything is changing when your parents are getting a divorce.

Perhaps in the end it is for the best, but right now I cannot embrace the change nor hold on to the past. I’m somewhere in the middle and to be honest, I don’t like it here.

When the day is over the thoughts come. Thoughts of the past six years which –at least for me- marked the run-up to this change. Flash backs to moments when my parents seemed happy, perhaps even were. Flash backs to moments of which only in retrospect I can see the truth. I try and grab my journal and write out these thoughts. Write until I feel better, a bit less restless and am able to lie still again listening to the distant sounds of a freight train passing, which can only be heard deep in the night when the city is asleep. Listening until another wave of thoughts hits my mind or sleep finally comes.

There are moments so ordinary in our family's lives, still, that make me forget for a moment that normal doesn’t exist anymore. Our version of ‘normal’ that is. And I know that in time a new normal will form, but for now everything feels out of the ordinary.

There is really no doubt in our minds that my parents will remain friends. This for several reasons, but I keep those to myself. However, our family of three will grow into a family of four –hold on- seven. That is the part I am not ready to face yet. The part that hurts more than them splitting up.The part where one of them is already moving on. Change upon change upon change.

With their new start a big part of my life shifts from present to past. All I can do is adjust and support them. Honestly, I don’t want to adjust and supporting them hurts because by doing so I face the facts and I have to let go of what they, we were. And for that, I am not ready yet.