The loss of things

my old place, august 2008, Nikon D60

Lately I've been contemplating the concept of mourning. And by that I mean the mourning of the loss of "things". Things from home mostly. Home being Holland still. I knew from the very beginning that moving into someone else's house, living with a strange family, would be hard. Seeing as I have lived on my own or with roomies for about 7 years now. Never though, did i expect it to be this hard. The longing for my own place is aching in my bones. It makes me want to crawl under the covers and stay there until i can move out of here.

I'm sharing this here for two reasons. The first being to tell the truth about imigrant life. It's not all fun and games, then again life in general isn't. I just want to be open and honest here. Second, I'm sharing this because I can't seem to be able to wrap my mind around this mourning thing.

I feel a need to mourn the things left behind, which is something entirely new for me. I usually -and might i add too often- look at the future, not at what has been, not so much at least. I can't really discribe this feeling other than that i feel the need for a good cry. Yet i seem to have lost that ability. I seem to be stuck, tense and not able to let go. I'm hardly able to let myself feel the way i feel right now.

So how do you mourn a 'thing'? A house left behind, 1200km between you and your bed, your books and the city you've grown to love. How do you mourn it, when it isn't really gone. It is just not here. It's just not where you are?

Friends have given me a few ideas over the past few weeks. One of which was writing things down that i miss about the house, the city, holland etc. and put them in a box. I've done that and everytime i write something down and put the piece of paper in that box, i seem to shed a layer. But as the idea of going to bed and not leaving it for the next 3,5 weeks seems to get more appealing by the day, i though it'd be wise to reach out and ask for help. I'd love to read about your (similar) expierences, about the concept of mourning, about imigrant life etc. in the comments.

thank you.